How To Find Purpose And Meaning When You Get A Little Lost, With Charlynne Boddie

0:00 Are you struggling to find your true purpose in life and feeling lost or unfulfilled? Many people, especially men, find themselves feeling disconnected from their deeper sense of purpose and meaning, often focusing solely on the external markers of success like careers and material possessions. Today we'll share practical tools you can use to identify your authentic calling and create a vision for a life that aligns with your values and your passions. So stick around to learn some new tools to begin living a life that truly fulfills you.

0:54 So I have a couple of dogs and occasionally I will look down at them and envy them for how simple their lives are. I don't think there's a minute of their day that goes by where they sit there thinking, what does it all mean? What am I doing here? What is the end of my life? All they want to do is eat and take a nap and then maybe eat some more and maybe take another nap. But I envy them because of the simplicity of that. But that envy doesn't. Erase the fact that I do have to struggle with figuring out what is my purpose. typical role models that a lot of people look up to have accomplished something have done something that inspires the person behind them to follow in their footsteps to some pursuit of glory or some pursuit of happiness purpose, whatever it might be.

1:41 In my case, I was exposed to things that made me run away from the target, to run away from repeating the mistakes of the people before me, to not be or not end up like the people that I should be looking up to, to guide me to some better life, some better purpose, some better way of living. And I've had glimpses, right? Like I've had goals that I've accomplished. I've had things that I set out to do and did them. but I don't know that they fit into an overall purpose as much as solving a problem that faced me immediately. So here I am again, wrestling with what does it all mean? What is my purpose? What am I doing here with this life? And with that in mind, I recently met a woman named Charlene of different books, worked for a couple of different presidents, and had an incredibly impressive career coaching people for decades on top of being a model and working in broadcasting for most of her life.

2:35 But the conversation we had was about how men in particular struggle with finding purpose because we're so driven to accomplish tasks. We're so driven to check the box, to do the thing that means we accomplished some priority, got something done purpose to really drive us toward a bigger, grander vision. And the first solution she offers, honestly, is one that you've heard before. It's one that I've heard before. this space, sometimes it's not about hearing the new idea, it's about hearing the same idea a different way or hearing stories about that idea that make it make sense for you right now. But I needed her idea to make sense for me right now. conversation begins with me sharing something a little personal about a recent conversation I had.

3:18 And I'll start with a little context, a little vulnerability here. I was recently talking to my therapist about my own purpose in life. Couple of years ago, I moved with my family. We moved to a new country, a new town, where we knew nobody, knew nothing. and just took a chance at a better life, mostly for our kids. And while they're establishing their community and their friends and all the things, I am not. I'm working from home. So me and my wife, we're home alone, you know, all day. So it's taking longer, right? It's a post covid world. I don't have an office full of colleagues. And so my therapist very astutely pointed out, he said, you left your purpose in your hometown. You don't have one now. So that's why you're struggling.

4:00 Wow. And it is, there's just like, there's a sense of loneliness, there's a sense of like, what now? And I've realized, like in sort of my health journey, that I've sort of run away from the actions of one role model, and I'm running away from the end result of another role model. So I've never really been running towards something, it's always running away from something. So knowing all of that, that's a big batch of stew to work through. Yeah? Where do I work now to find something to run towards? Where do I work to find that purpose that I should be striving to achieve every day? and I would say with that I would say, you know, get a piece of poster board and I would say do a vision board with pictures and words first and everything is on the table, Jeremy.

4:49 Nothing is stupid, nothing is outdated, nothing is impossible. Start creating what sometimes I call it the treasure map because it's really what's in your heart. That's where your real that unseen part of Jeremy, bring it out, put it on the board, and don't give yourself any restraints. Everything is great. Grab some newspapers, grab some magazines, cut, cut for a good hour. And then at the end of that hour, put it all together. It is shocking what comes out because the vision board speaks. Now, when I'm doing that kind of thing with clients, I've had CEOs from all over the world, all these different people saying, really Shara, it looks like something I would have done in kindergarten.

5:30 I said, oh, but it speaks. It speaks and you get real because you get lost in the moment of just creating. Do that. And then I have people take the pictures they see on that. And then we start planting them in what I call the vision grid. And that's where I come in as a coach. I'm looking at your next 30 days, Jeremy, this important to you. And it's all from all three parts of you. I think every single person. has three parts to what I call the anatomy of their vision or their true self, their real self. What are you here to do? What are you here to be, whether you're a man or a woman, but especially for heads of households like yourself. So we look at the overarching thing you want that comes out of that vision board and then we put it into words.

6:16 We look at the next 30 days in your life, Jeremy, and all three parts of you, body, soul, spirit. Then we look at the next one to six months. in bite-sized doable chunks. Then we look at the next one to five years. In a perfect world, where would Jeremy like to be? Where would you like to be? Now, if you're with a partner or you're married, I would say, let's do what I just told you for you. Let's do what I just told you for your wife or partner. And then let's do a joint vision grid for you together as a couple. Mind-blowing what comes out of it. You know, the body part of you looks at the hardcore things that are natural. The soulless realm of you is different from your spirit.

6:59 The soulless realm is your mind, will and emotions. What drives Jeremy emotionally? And your partner, you know, we look at separate grids, but we're just talking about you right now. And then that overarching plan, you know, in a perfect world chart, I would like to be a world-class photographer. Okay, great. Well, let's look at that in the next 30 days. What would it take for you to scratch the surface on that? in the next one to six months, where would you like to be with that idea and that dream? And then the next one to five years, when you're saying to me, oh, I wanna be published in Life Magazine or Time Magazine or Vanity Fair, I'm like, okay, great, let's talk about that. Let's talk about how that happens. How do you get published in something like that?

7:42 And we take these bite-sized doable chunks so that every step of the way, I'm also coaching my clients, I'm saying to them, you need to be celebrating every milestone. I don't care if you took one picture and another professional photographer said it was great, then go out and get an ice cream cone, do something. Take a walk around the block and say, wow, I did that. Celebrate every single moment. So that's what I would say to you initially because I have been in a foreign country for the last 20 years and I had to start from scratch. and I had to find a place to live and I had to figure out how am I going to pay the light bill and everything else and did all that from scratch with nothing, sold everything in America, went to Europe and had to learn a lot of things new.

8:30 Every single thing was different even though we're supposed to speak the same language, which we don't. Brits and Americans do not speak the same language. I can relate only that we only move to Canada but there are enough differences and there's enough like it's just it's kind of bizarro Superman right like it's like it's just slightly different it's like how to figure out how to speak the language it's the same language but words are just said a little differently with different tones and things like that but something you said in there was interesting to me because particularly for men, I hear this from men all the time, I know this is something I struggled with, is you went to the job in that vision board, you wanna be a professional photographer, what is that gonna take? Is that purpose though?

9:10 Like, isn't purpose a little deeper, right? it doesn't have to be. I've had young men because 90%, I think when I first met you, I told you about 90% of my clients are men. So I have men bringing me their sons in their 20s and 30s to help with vision and purpose. I have men coming themselves saying, Char, I used to be this, I used to do this, now what, I've hit this wall. So let's go back to what you said. Would being a world-class photographer be a dream or purpose? It can be, but if it's not, then you wanna think about what that purpose is. And when I'm looking at someone's dream board, Jeremy, I'm also looking at the words.

9:54 So let's think about a young British guy that came to me and we sat on his parents' sailboat. He did not want to be in a closed room. He said, can you do extreme dream, which is the name of my seminar? Can you do this vision and purpose seminar on a boat? I said, I could do it anywhere, it's portable. So you want me to meet you on the sailboat? I'll meet you on the sailboat, which I did. And we sat floating. Well, yeah, exactly. He wanted to think outside the box. I said, great, let's go to the big yacht. Let's go to the yacht, let's sit on the yacht, and let's talk about your dream and purpose. Well, he decided to do the vision board on the boat, and some amazing things came out of that, you know, picture for him.

10:40 And I was looking at the words and a lot of times it wasn't just the pictures but it was the words. And I found out that this young man really wanted to help people. He wanted to help people and that was his purpose, was helping other people. And yeah, coming from the financial viewpoint, his dad was an investment broker. So you know, he knew that money was a tool, but he didn't want to do it the way his dad had done it. And so he ended up going with a best friend to Fiji. He ended up buying property in Fiji off some of the local tribes people. He ended up putting together like a travel venue for people to come to Fiji and stay on his property.

11:22 And he became a guide. But what he realized is that people that go to places like that are really trying to escape and get away. So he decided to learn how to help people by listening to the tourist, finding out what they needed. And then he came back to London and just blew it out of the ballpark. and created a couple of companies. And his mother was calling me every day saying, he's never gonna come back from Fiji. Oh my God, he sailed away. What's he doing? Is he just fritzing around in the beach? I said, no, I don't think so. I said, you need to take a look at that vision board. Well, the parents were kind of freaked out. And you know what? He came back and he did it, but he practiced while he was away.

12:05 And I said, let's, you know, this was all on his vision grid. He took the pictures from the board. He then planted it on the grid. He looked at the body of himself, his soul. He looked at his spirit, which is really that overarching intangible thing he wanted to become. And he came home, Jeremy, and he did it. But he tried it out in a faraway place called Fiji. And I'm not worried, I never am worried about him. What happened to him was so good that then the baby brother came to me. Baby brother's totally different than the older brother. And... He didn't have to go to Fiji to find out what he wanted to do. And everyone's different.

12:46 I really look at those two tools. They work well for every single guy. I don't care how old you are. It really is your time. There is no right answer to the vision board. There is no right answer to the grid other than it takes something visual and it funnels it into something concrete in bite size doable. actionable items. Have you worked with somebody and the result was not something they ended up doing for a living, right? Like I talked to one coach and she put it really in a way that's always stuck with me. She said, your purpose is something you can do before breakfast. It doesn't have to be the thing you do from nine to five.

13:27 Have you worked with somebody where it didn't change like their day to day life, you know, in terms of function, like they kept the same job, kept the same house, life was whatever, but they found the thing that got them out of bed every day. Yeah, and like I said, it can be either or. It really depends on who you are, how you operate. Also, I look at your gifts and your talents. I also look at what motivates you, what motivates you to make certain decisions. So I'm looking at the internal part of you as well as the external part of you. And I want to look at seven different areas. Are you a server? Are you someone who likes to show people like you said to me, how to do things? Are you someone who's a huge giver?

14:09 One guy said to me, I don't think I have any gifts, Shar. And I said, that's a lie. So we had to refute that right there. I said, every single person on the planet has gifts. We are made in a multifaceted way. Let's just go a little bit further and explore that. Let's look at your internal gifts. Let's also look at your external gifts, because there's a marriage of that in your life and every single person's unique. So, you know, whether you're a girl or a guy, the purpose and then what you do and what you are can be quite different. And yet sometimes they come together.

14:51 So I look at every single possibility. What, you know, I've had geniuses that people have brought to me and said, okay, I've got a real rocket scientist, but we can't understand him. What would you do with someone like that? And I said, well, I work in one of the world's top scientific agencies on the planet, and I'm the girl next door who takes all their scientific verbiage and I put it in man on the street terms. I said, bring me the rocket scientist that nobody can understand. And in his case, I said, hey, would you just bear with me here? Could you go do the beginning acting class and totally step away from the rockets for a minute?

15:33 And he lifted me like, okay, I'll think outside the box. I'll do that. It changed his life. I said, you know, there's things that you would like. You wanna meet the right girl. You want to have a family one day. He was not married when they brought me to him. And all of those things in one grid. The grid I work on is just one sheet of paper, just one side. It looks at your whole life, every part of you in one glance. And it so rocked his world. He was like, oh my gosh, I didn't think I'd learn anything in an acting class. I'm a total, you know, He's like help me find that purpose with just who I am. And he found a way to create the most amazing global consultancy.

16:19 Doing great. Yes, he found the dream girl and he's got two beautiful sons. Very happy guy. But we had to go outside the box. And like I said to you, Jeremy, every man is different. Every boy is different. And I just sit with them and I listen. I might use the same tools. but the way we use those tools in an individual's life, always different. A couple of examples that you mentioned there that I think paint an interesting picture. And it's the guy who says, I don't have any special gifts. I can hear myself going, I don't really have any interests. I do things because they provide a result, but I don't really look forward to a lot of things.

17:00 I just sort of do these things because I know that they're going to help. So I don't have any skills. I don't have any passions. Nothing really drives me. And the guy that went to acting class, who's genius, never would have considered doing such a thing. right. the where I think they intersect and where I think a lot of guys struggle with this is that they have the job where the boss says attaboy, here's the raise, here's the promotion, here's the raise, here's the promotion. So they're driven by that because that's the positive feedback they get. They don't have somebody saying, you know, you're a hell of a painter, because they don't they don't do those things, because there is no benefit there. They don't get the attaboy. So what I like though, is that you push that person out of their comfort zone and said, go try something.

17:41 Yeah. And I find that a lot of the guys that I talk to that are lonely, lost, don't know what to do. They're doing the same thing they've been doing since high school or whatever. And wondering why doesn't my life provide more meaning and value for you? You have to, you have to push, right? You have to, you have to just put yourself out there and fall on your face. Right. yeah, and the thing is, sometimes it's about the conversation you're going to have with someone in that journey of doing something different. Now the rocket scientist, we weren't asking him to go get an Oscar or an Emmy or a Tony Award as an actor. I was just saying, jump outside of science for a moment.

18:23 Jump outside the genius world. and I sent him to the National Theater Conservatory, which is in Denver at the time. So all the top actors are gonna come through there and the top drama coaches are gonna come through there. And he was willing to do that. I said, just step outside of yourself for a moment. I just want you to be with just people that are not in your world. And I want you just to be yourself. Be yourself. I'm not asking you to change, I'm just asking you to do something different outside of your world. just for a moment, just temporarily. And it really changed him. It really, it made him think outside the box about his own reason for coming to me as a coach to find that purpose.

19:08 You can be the smartest person in the world and ace every exam out there, Mensa and beyond, but you need to find the purpose and then you don't wanna do it alone. He did not wanna be alone. He wanted to find the right woman for him. He wanted to have a family. There were so many different things churning in him, but he wasn't getting there. And then he did, he got it all, he got it all. Yeah, there's so much research that says and I think this is why coaches and therapists are so valuable is because saying the thing out loud makes your brain respond differently than thinking about it over and over and over again for 20 years, like saying it out loud, your body like your mind hears it and is able to take action better.

19:54 Can you tell me more about that? there is life and death in the tongue. You can say things out loud about your purpose in life, you know, who you are and your vision for accomplishing certain things. You can build life into that with how you speak. I tell my clients to create mantras for themselves that are just for them. They must be life-giving. It's not about, hey, that was stupid, or you're a jerk, or anything. Our self-talk is so huge. We have internal self-talk, but we need to do self-talk that is also verbal. What you're saying out loud... is what's been in your heart for a long time.

20:35 So what you say to yourself out here, in the external world verbally, but also what you say to yourself in your mind, you're gonna listen to yourself more than anybody else. What we're saying verbally and internally is so key, Jeremy, absolutely key. And I think that is one of the hang ups that a lot of I imagine this is for women to I'm not a woman I can't I can't speak to the experience. But but the self talk, the idea of who you are the story you tell yourself of who you are your entire life is very difficult to rewrite and it's based largely in what our experiences as children and the people were around and the experiences we have.

21:17 But we have to find ways to rewrite that story. And, and for men, it is often, are you a good enough provider? Is your family successful? Do you have the car in the driveway you're supposed to have the house you're supposed to have? And all of these things. So we tell ourselves we are a failure because we rent we don't own we were driving a 20 year old car instead of the latest model, or you know, our iPhone is 10 years old, you know, whatever the thing is, there's all these stories we tell ourselves, how do we start to unravel those stories and rewrite it to become the person we're trying to become? Well, I'll tell you about a, I suppose I got to work with a naval officer who hit a wall in his 50s.

21:59 And I said, why don't you come do my stress buster journaling, you know, time at this retreat center. No, no, that's for women. one of his guy friends brought me the naval officer who had hit a wall and he was so angry. Just things were not working the way he wanted. He just could not do it. And so I went to see him and he finally, after much duress on his part, everybody's saying, Why don't you go do the stress buster thing? You're just wound up, you know? So he drove to the retreat center and I gave him a little writing assignment and all the students were there, probably a class of about 30 or 35 people And he did that little assignment.

22:47 And you know, one of the things I'll say to people, there are many assignments I give for writing on a fun day like that in a beautiful place. But something I would say to men is write about the things that you are proud of. Write about your victories. And I gave him a series of things to do that day and by the end of the day uh, he just put a rose on my desk with a little note saying, uh, I'm changed. That was it. He put I'm changed and he signed it with his with his rank and everything and he quietly left. And his wife and everybody said, what did you do to him?

23:29 I said, I didn't do anything. I said, all I did was make a couple suggestions on some assignments. He, you know, participated like everybody else, but He really he jumped into it and one of the things I say to men is you are not just what you do There is an internal part to you And I want to find out what are you proud of not what your boss is proud of Not what your mom and dad are proud of if they're still living But you as a person, what are you proud of? Talk to me about your milestones. Uh, yeah from childhood till now And why?

24:11 Why does that make you happy? Why does it check all the boxes internally for you? And what are your victories? What are some of your victories that you would talk about? And those that wanna share it a day like that get to share it. Because how often do people get to share that in a safe environment? It's rare and it changes people. Does it get emotional, Jeremy? Yeah. It gets emotional for men and women in those situations. And I think, honestly, I think that is the barrier that most men have to get through. Because until recently, I mean, I think this is trending in a positive direction in the last few years.

24:52 But I think for most of humanity, men were not given that space to get emotional, to share why something is important. It was do the thing, show the results, get the reward, do the thing, show the results, get the award. But the but the like, why do you do this? How does it make you feel? When? there's no room to acknowledge that. There's no, I mean, I see it now with young kids. I see parents talking to their sons that way. I have daughters, so I haven't had the experience to talk to boys like that, but I talk to girls the way that I wish I had more space to talk so that they can talk about their feelings and their struggles and get it out and cry and move that energy that's just otherwise gonna haunt them until they're 47.

25:34 I'm looking myself in the mirror as I say this, but guys historically don't. they're not given that space. And it's so interesting because I've seen it over and over again, where you give them an inch and they will take the mile, right? Like, but no one ever says it's okay. This is a safe place to do this, do this and the growth that can happen so quickly just by being given a little bit of that space. Can I tell you what was on the Naval Officer's Board? Which kind of goes with what you just said. His entire board, Jeremy, was, and he didn't realize this when he was making it. He didn't realize it, because the retreat and the board were two separate things that happened within maybe a month of each other, when he did his board before the retreat, he cut out all these pictures like everybody else does.

26:23 And when we looked at the board, it was all steam engines. Interesting. All the pictures were steam shooting out and I said wow, what are you showing me God and he goes This guy is about to explode And he has got to deal with this he didn't even get it He did not get that he did not see that it those pictures meant nothing to him at the time And I sat there as someone who coaches people have been doing this for over 30 years with people I sat with him and I said, wow, every single thing on his board was something that was shooting off steam.

27:06 And you can see it like the old steam locomotive, steam in a kettle. Just train after train, the steam and it made no sense to him. And God was like, well, he has to get away. He's about to blow a gasket, but he couldn't see it. Yeah, see, and I love that because that speaks to the deeper thing than the career, right? Like he's it speaks to you've got stuff that's got to get out, move it, get it out of your system. Yeah, that's so great. really feel like whatever people have done in jobs is never wasted. But could it be used in a different way? Yes. When you're a military officer, male or female, you're used to regimental things.

27:50 You're used to protocol. You're used to order. And you can't really color outside the lines. So, you know, taking what you've learned, but taking it outside of that atmosphere. and just saying anything you want today, anything is on the table for you. It was not something he was used to and yet he was able to do that and he came away from that thinking, whoa, I've got to change some things. the little that I know about you the little bit I've learned in this conversation, I think maybe your purpose and it is providing peace either between sides or between someone and themself trying to trying to find that piece to move a little forward.

28:31 So I've never heard it put that way, Jeremy, but you know what? I think you're right. That's often what I get tasked to do. I used to call it in my 20s, I used to call it the dog jobs that nobody wanted. I like to turn them into, you know, take, you know, the pig turn into a silk purse kind of a thing. The sow's ear into a silk purse because, you know, there, we have so much division in our world right now. And we've got to find a way to... let people know we're all in the same marble called planet Earth. and we have to come to a place sometimes where we can, you know, actually be a part of a solution rather than creating more problems.

29:12 Yeah, important work. A lot of the lessons outlined in your book. Tell us where we can find the book and tell us where we can find you online. You can find me online. I have a ministry website, but we are building a strictly life coaching website. So bear with me. But the ministry website is just my first name, chardlin.com, which is C-H-A-R-L-Y-N-N-E, and it's pronounced charlynne.com. And then the books that I've written, True Grid is the coaching book, which has the vision grid in it that I was discussing with Jeremy on this particular podcast. That is available at Amazon. Kindle and Audible. And so is my latest travel book that talks about how do I deal with situations in foreign countries?

29:56 So there's seven countries listed there. And that book is called No Appointments Necessary. But those are the two books. Then they're both available on Amazon, Kindle and Audible. We'll have the links to all of that in the show notes for this episode. Charlin, thanks so much for your time today. This was a lot of fun. wow, Jeremy, you're amazing. And I'm so hoping that what was shared today will be encouraging to your listeners. too hope you found some encouragement in the stories you heard today from my guest, Charlene Boddy. as I said, the links to her are in the show notes for this episode at the fit mess .com. if you did find encouragement and know of others who could benefit from hearing this conversation, please share this episode with them. It would be us to be able to help others in need.

30:37 But that's all for now. We will be back next week, hopefully with Zach sitting next to me, virtually anyways, at our website, thefitmass .com. Thanks for listening.