How to Face Your Insecurities Head-On, with Matt Gilhooly

0:00 Hi there and welcome to another episode of the Fit Mess podcast. Today we're gonna talk about some topics that many of us grapple with, but not many of us actually discuss openly. I'm talking about body image, self -acceptance, and grief. In just a few minutes, we'll talk with fellow podcaster Matt Gilhuli. He runs the Life Shift podcast. He's going to share his lifelong struggle with body shame and his current journey through the heart wrenching process of grief that he's dealing with. I believe you'll find his raw honesty about hiding behind hoodies and battling self -doubt will really resonate with you or anyone who's ever felt uncomfortable in their own skin. But this isn't just a conversation about personal struggles. It's a powerful reminder of the strength that comes from vulnerability, the connections we forge when we open up, and the healing that can occur when we share our stories.

0:47 So whether similar challenges or know somebody who has, this episode promises insights that will stay with you long after you've finished listening. So settle in, and prepare for conversation that might just change the way you see yourself and others. And just a quick note before we actually get into the interview, the audio may sound a little funky.

1:28 Life gets messy sometimes, and in this case, it did. So I had to record this interview from my car. Luckily I let Matt do most of the talking, I hope, the reason we're having this conversation is for one, we connected a while back. You had me on your show. I'm very grateful for that. But I follow what you post online and I am always amazed at how open and vulnerable you are about everything, about the show, about your life, about your pains and your struggles. There's one that you wrote recently that I could have written. And if you don't mind, I'll read it.

2:09 You just said, if you see me in a hoodie, there's a deeper reason than to keep warm. We keep the house cold so I can wear a hoodie because a hoodie keeps me covered up and hidden. I've gone through waves of body shame since I was 12 or so and bullied for being overweight. I was bullied about my body by kids and adults that I so desperately wanted to like me. Nowadays it comes and goes. When I'm not at my fittest, I feel a sense of disgust. When I look in the mirror, it's not rational. I understand, but it's real. The hoodies feel like protection. I can hide parts of me that I struggle so much to like at all phases. I'm currently in one of those phases, so until I figure it out, you'll probably see me in a hoodie and then you ask for people to share if that resonates with them.

2:51 I live in hoodies for this very reason. And I almost wore one today in solidarity, but I was like, it's too hot. I will just be dying in this thing. But man, when I read that, was like, I know exactly what that feels like to feel like you need to hide. It sounds like you've won and lost battles with weight in your life. Talk me through where you were when you wrote that and what's going on with Yeah, it's... It has been a lifelong battle. I think you know when I was a kid my mom died and I don't want to blame everything on that, but I think it was part of me wanted everyone to like me at that point.

3:32 I didn't want people to like leave and I needed to impress people and I think what came with that was like this obsessive control and at the time like 90s. I feel like 90s everyone was you know the perfection was all in the magazines. It wasn't social media. It was more like what you saw on TV and what you saw in the magazines. And I was never that. And at one point, like when I was a kid, adults and people around me were just like bullying me for just being overweight. And I think maybe food was my comfort. I don't know. Sometimes I just want to eat all the food and sometimes I don't. And sometimes I can be really controlled. But in this most recent moment, I'm like in this phase in my 40s now where being fit is harder.

4:15 And I hear you talk about this all the time. know how to do it. I know how to go to the gym. I know how to work out. I know how to eat properly, but sometimes I just can't because it's going to pull me into an eating disorder again or it's going to pull me here and I'm trying to find this grace within myself. But at the same time, I realize that I'm always in a hoodie, whether it's hot, whether it's cold, and it's just because if not, I'm going to walk in front of a mirror and then I'm going to like shame myself. I mean like, ugh, why did you eat that today instead of eating this? And so that's where I and I feel like I'm still in that space. And at the end of the day, it's okay. But, you know, like, have to honor the fact that that's just how I feel right now, and I don't know how I'm gonna get out of it.

5:00 But, you know, shaming myself for shaming myself is just not, the way that I want to go. It's interesting, I was talking to my co -host, Zach, who's usually here and he's in a similar spot right now, right? You know, the routine's falling off, all the things, everything feels like it's a mess, everything's in chaos. To some degree I'm dealing with that I've had some injuries and some stuff that have thrown me off and I'm still just eating like you know Like the dumpster in the back of a 7 -eleven just like emotionally eating whatever is in front of me put it in my face So I can definitely relate to that. I'm curious about the the weight loss I'm not sure how much weight you lost in your journey I mean it's been up down all was about 12 was probably this weirdly my biggest and I was like five feet tall and 165 pounds or so and that was when like adults were like oh you're fat like here try and that's like the first jumping into slim fast and jumping into like just not eating and just just really poor nutrition just like moving through the world and just like not healthy state and that kind of went on until like up and down just like the whole calorie and then it became this obsessive thing and like how low could you actually go while still eating and it became unhealthy.

6:22 So in my 30s, I like got a trainer. I got like the macros. I figured all that stuff out and for like two and a half years straight, it was like no cheating down to the exact macros every single day. But I got like, you know, the desired six pack and I got the the fitness that like I never could have imagined. Yeah. Right. that becomes part of the cycle now too is like well your body can clearly do it but you're not doing Yeah, during those phases, when you look in the mirror, do you still see the heavier version?

7:16 Even when you were jacked, when you had the body you always dreamed of having, did you still see the one you were trying to fix? I don't necessarily think I saw like the fat kid anymore, but I did see the flaws. I did see where I wasn't yet to the point where I Somewhere in that journey. I started as a vegetarian when I was in that journey and I got down to a hundred and twenty two pounds at like five seven I was eating 2200 calories a day, but my body needed like Meat protein it needed all the amino acids. It needed all those pieces and so but even at 122 and like on Uncomfortably getting into a size like 26 pant and having it be loose I still saw like, well, you know, like, what is this when really it was probably skin or, whatever it was, you know, so I didn't necessarily see the fat kid, but I saw the flaws.

8:18 I saw like where I wasn't yet. And now I look back and I'm like, probably should have eaten more. You know, like I probably should have done all these other things. But in the moment, it's very, there's a lot of like self hate kind of things that just kind of bubble up always. Yeah, I'm at a weird place where despite being far from where I would like to be, I've developed more self -compassion and patience with myself than I ever thought possible. And I'm at a point where I can look in the mirror, not be happy with what's there, but know that I know how to fix it and just need to do the work. Especially when I'm doing the work, I can be like, I can allow this because this is part of it. I'm on my way.

8:59 But when I'm grabbing crackers out of the pantry, it's a little bit harder to be kind to myself. How do you cope with this now? I mean, obviously you're hiding with the hoodie. Is this still kind of a daily situation for you? I would say that I'm like part way to your journey of trying to show compassion and trying to what I don't want to be is obsessive controlling because I know my tendencies will get to an eating disorder eating. I won't necessarily say an eating disorder, but I would get to a point where I was controlling everything and that's not healthy either.

9:40 And I know that for myself. So I'm trying to find this way where you know, find the clothes that you feel you know, honor yourself and know that you are still going to the gym five days a week. You are still, you know, generally eating properly, maybe a couple Oreos here and there that are extra. But I think I'm on that road to self -compassion. I don't think I'm there yet, obviously. I still feel the need to hide or there's always like, I don't know, if you do this, too, sit on the couch and like, you want to hold a pillow or you want to hold like a blanket over you or something. And I don't know if that's 40 years of doing it or if it's something where I'm trying to protect myself.

10:22 But the goal is to find this balance zone where I'm not out of shape. I don't think I'm out of shape right now. I'm just not in the shape that I know I can be. And sometimes the work that I put in the gym doesn't feel like it's visible. So, you know, that's frustrating too. the gym the work in the gym always feels like it's not visible no matter how hard you work. It's never enough. hardest part. mean, food is truly the hardest part. And having such a trauma as a child, a lot of my comfort came from the adults around me. Like, here's extra dessert. know, here's, we want you to be happy. And so I kind of just gravitate towards sweets and snacks and things like that.

11:05 I'm not like, I can't wait to have a bag of broccoli right now. Hmm. and now a nine -year -old daughter and it's so easy to reward with ice cream, reward with dessert, reward with some sort of food because that's what they like. They're kids, right? They want to eat sweet things. But every time I do it, I'm just like, what am I building in their brain that tells them when you're good You can put all the junk in your, like, it's such a hard thing. I know I learned it as a kid. I'm sure I'm passing it on to my kids in some way. And it's something that is constantly haunting me that I need to figure out what is a better reward system. Because they'll ask, you know, when they do well, can we go to Dairy Queen?

11:48 Can we go get the pizza? And if I say no, then I'm punishing them for wanting what they want as their reward. It's a tricky thing to reward yourself properly in a way honors what your body needs, but also rewards that part of your brain that wants the cookie. Well, and also just, When we grew up in the 80s and 90s, the portion control was totally different. We didn't have the awareness, I think. It was just like, you had to clear your plate or you couldn't get up from the table. If you wanted seconds, you better finish the seconds. There was a lot of that and I feel like we were just conditioned. So I can imagine trying not to pass that off.

12:29 But also if you're like, well, you can only have one cookie, then is there some kind of absorption of shame that comes with like, well, what happens if I have two? Right. Right. Totally. I don't envy you. I don't have kids, so. It also it's I also just wanted to say that I think it's very brave of you not only to You know to share so much of what you do publicly but as a man to talk about body shame That's not something that men do often I like I said, I relate to it very closely and one of the ways that I think I've been either developing my compassion or Getting more comfortable in my own imperfect skin is, I've been cold plunging for years, but I recently joined a group that does it together every Sunday morning.

13:18 And there are some people there that are absolutely jacked and older than me and I hate them for it. There are people that are in worse shape than me, seemingly from the outside. But taking my shirt off in front of other people has never been something that I look forward to. the exposure therapy of it, not only of the cold, but of the, everyone, here I am in all of my imperfection, and having nobody ever say anything about it, because ultimately nobody cares, right? We think people are disgusted by what they see, and this poor person has to look at me, but all of them are so wrapped up in what do they think of me that it doesn't really matter. And so it's been an interesting experiment for me to put myself through that exposure therapy of If I do this, are they still gonna like me?

14:05 Are we still gonna be able to do this or am I gonna be banned? And as it turns out, nobody gives a No. Well, and I think it's the same thing as what I do. I try to put my imperfections online. for a couple reasons. Selfishly, think it helps me get it out of my head, and it's a lot less scarier. I mean, it's a lot less scary when it's just, like, not in my head. And also, to your point, like, I can't be the only one feeling this way. Like, even if I'm a guy and I shouldn't feel this way, guess what? I'm a human, and I do feel this way. And it's not, like, reserved for women or men or... It's, you know, it's... It's just a human experience, and we absorb what we absorb and manifest in different ways, I've always been well now.

14:51 I've tried to be in my adult life since I've kind of gone through therapy and whatnot. I feel like it's important for me to put those things out there because I mean, to your point, you saw it and you kind of felt seen in a way like, I do that too. So maybe it's not like totally weird or maybe I shouldn't be ashamed of it or, whatever it may be. I just feel like we're going to connect more if we kind of share the valleys of our lives more so than like, hey, I just won this award or Yeah, yeah, all of that has been proven over and over again to just make us all feel much worse about ourselves because we're not always on the mountaintop like everyone seems to be according to their social right.

15:31 They have their bad moments, they might have a terrible life, right? But they're just trying to show you the shiny parts. And I used to be that way, and it's a lot harder to be that way, I think. It's harder to exist in the world as that all the time. Yeah. One of the pains you've been sharing recently I also relate to. I just published an episode a couple weeks ago where I was kind of struggling with mortality and the meaning of it all and the purpose and all of that. And I know you're going through a struggle that many of us have been through with your dog. Do you mind sharing a little bit about what's going Sure, He's, Mikey is, he's about 14 and a half and I got him when I was 29.

16:12 And so it feels like I've grown up with this dog. And in the last probably like six weeks or so, he's starting to show his decline and I'm really struggling. Like I lost my mom suddenly. I watched my grandmother die and I was super close with her. This is really hard in a different way that I didn't expect because, and I think it's cause I can't have the conversation. I can't, talk to him and have him respond and how he's feeling and is he really in pain? Is he sticking around just for me? And so all these things are kind of just going through my body and I've shed so many tears and he's still here, you know, and just thinking about having to make a decision.

16:53 And I love what you said or what your vet told you is like better a month too early than a minute too late. And so that's really like swimming around in my head because, you know, I sit here and I'm like, am I keeping him because like selfishly I need him here. Is he enjoying his life? Is that painful? Like what is he doing? And so it's been quite a journey. The last couple of weeks have really escalated, if you will. So I've brought some friends over to say their goodbyes and just in case we have to make the call sooner rather than later. But I never ever imagined that this would be as hard as it is. But I guess it's part of life too.

17:34 Yeah, yeah, mean grief in general when you have so much time to pre -grieve and be in it, it's agonizing because you, especially if it's a pet, like you said, because they can't communicate what they need, you have to sort of interpret based on their behaviors. My first dog that I got as an adult lived for 14 -ish years. And for the last couple of them, his back legs didn't work very well, but his body, the rest of him and his mind, He was in it, living life, still trying to chase frisbees with the two legs that worked. And I wrestled with that same thing. Like, is this a fair life for him to have half a body that works?

18:15 And at the end, I mean, I still remember the night before we said goodbye to him, laying with him on the floor and just feeling his fur because I I wouldn't again, you know, much longer. And it was the hardest thing. in his situation his his entire body was giving out to the point where like he you know was losing control of his bowels and things and and I remember talking to the vet and he was just like and and at a point he did and still just laid in it and I remember talking to the vet at that point and he said even a paralyzed dog will find a way to get away from their own mess so I think I think it's probably time and that was when he did suggest like You don't want to be a minute late on this like you don't want to wake and find him there, having him gone on his own, alone.

19:08 Like, how is that gonna make you feel? That sucks for him. And it still haunts me. Like, losing him, I lost a cat literally on the way to the emergency hospital, and it's heartbreaking. It never, there's never anything good about it other than on the other side, that twisted relief that comes from knowing they're at peace now. Like, they're not hurting I'm sorry that you had to go through that. just don't, I don't want to get to that either, you know, like it just feels like, but then I'm like, am I not giving him a chance? And now he's got a dementia type thing going on where he will pace for five hours at a time, forgets to lay down, gets stuck in corners.

19:55 I think it hurts maybe to go from standing to laying down. So I have to physically like lay him down. But then when it's food time, he's like so excited about eating or when it's time to go out for a walk, Even though he can't really walk, he's so excited. So we go, you know, just a couple steps. So I'm in this space where I think the time is coming soon and I hate it. But to your point, I know that, you know, it's kind of the right thing to do and I can't be selfish about it. And I have to think about him and whether or not, you know, is he enjoying 20 of the hours a day or not? And so it sucks, people are like, he'll tell you.

20:38 And I'm like, I don't understand that. I don't know what you mean. But maybe I had that conversation this weekend. yeah, and I do think just based on my experience, there's absolutely no literature that I'm referring to in this, but in my experience with a cat, it's very obvious. They'll do things like basically live in their litter box. Like you'll look for them and they're just sitting in it. You're like, okay, you even think it's time for you to go. Like I get it. Where that, you know, a dog, they'll be like, pardon the pun, dead asleep and you have to like shake them to see if they're even alive. But offered to take him for a walk or chase a frisbee and boom, they're back in those little glimpses of the dog they used to be. Make the decision so hard and it's all on you.

21:20 And there is no right time other than when it's just either too late or just painfully obvious that they're Yeah, yeah, you know, but I think how lucky are we to love something so much that we have to grapple over this and not just like dismiss, well, you know, it's that's not what it is. And so I look at that. try to to honor that as well. And you've seen in this last couple of weeks journey, I'm just like telling people just like this is the worst thing that I've gone through recently and I don't know how to handle it. And I think that's OK because none of us really do. We're just trying to figure it out.

22:00 But in the the in the in the sense of it me to put that out loud, but also I think other people might feel that same way. And so maybe if they read it, they don't feel, I don't know, maybe I'm just making myself feel better by saying that. I do, I do try to think about other people when I do post my vulnerabilities as well. Yeah, and I think that's super important that more of us need to do. And I think that, you know, between all the things we talked about here with grief and body shame and all this stuff, like if there's a takeaway from our, you know, sharing this conversation, it is asking for help, putting out your struggles because there's so many, especially, I mean, again, we try to target guys and we end up getting a lot of their wives and girlfriends to listen to the show because they're trying to figure out what's up with guys.

22:46 because we don't share enough. Cause we don't share enough. And that's the thing, like whatever you're going through, whatever body shame, grief, career struggle, relationship struggle, keeping that stuff inside, having that one way conversation doesn't solve the problem. It doesn't invite your God, your universe, whatever you subscribe to, it doesn't invite those solutions to come into your life. It just takes up space in your head and in your heart and eats away at you. And the more, no. you stronger, either. No, We have this false belief as guys growing up that you bottle it up, you put it on a shelf and that's where it lives until you die. And that's, yeah, tough guy. You can do it. Look at you, you never cry.

23:26 can, and that's just not the human experience. I mean, and if it is for you listener and that's how you're getting by, you know, I'm not here to tell you that you're living your life wrong, but I will tell you that when I have put out into the world that I need something, the world delivers in one way or another. the more that I talk about my feelings, the more I process them openly. You know, don't have to get on the internet and process my feelings. I can do it with my wife or my friend or my therapist. Working with that stuff, getting it out just makes you lighter, makes you freer. It allows you to show up better for yourself and for the people around you because you're not carrying all that baggage into every situation in your life. So I would hope that, you know, I would hope that this conversation was helpful for you, Matt.

24:10 I know it's helpful for me to have these conversations. But I hope that for the people listening that they can just hear the message of ask for help, put out there your struggles, share because you're gonna find other people going through the same thing and it's just gonna help you find the answers that you're looking for by bouncing them around in your head over and I also just think that it builds connections more so because now you have more things that you can relate to with other people, even if they're tough things. I think there's value in that. And so I would add to that that not only is it going to help you, but I think it's going to build more connections to other people in the world. All right, well, Matt, thank you so much for sharing openly and vulnerably here as you do on your social media accounts and you do on your podcast.

24:54 Tell folks where we can hear you and your Sure, yeah, check out the Life Shift podcast. is, I think I'm 140 -something episodes now, so I'm chasing you guys to see if I can ever catch up. But on the show, I have candid conversations with people about the life -changing moments in their lives. And so I had the opportunity to talk to you as well. So they should start with your episode, I think would probably be the best. So I'll give you the link to that, and you guys can put it in the show notes to check out the Life Shift podcast. That's where you'll find that in the show notes for this episode, Matt. Thanks again for your time. Best of luck with your dog. Rough seas ahead, but I know you'll get through it. It seems as though you have a good support system and I hope they're there for you. And if there's anything I can do, feel free to reach I appreciate you.

25:36 Thank you for just wanting to talk about this. think it's super important that we put it more out in the public. Thank you. All right, my thanks to Matt Gilhuly for sharing all of that very vulnerable, powerful message with us here on the show today. You can find the episode of his show that I appeared on by visiting the show notes for our episode at thefitmass .com. And I appreciate you sticking around all the way through here to the end of this episode. If you did find value in this conversation, please do share this with somebody who could benefit from it. Visit our website today, thefitmess .com, hit that share button, and share this episode with anybody who you think may, again, benefit from hearing this conversation. Thank you so much for your time and for helping spread the word about our show. We will be back next week with a new episode at thefitmass .com.

26:20 Thanks for listening.