How to Transform Relationships by Asking Better Questions

0:45 Hey there everybody. Thanks for listening. This is the Fitmentist Podcast. My name is Jeremy. We talk about stuff like depression, anxiety, and what other mental health challenges we're dealing with on any given day or week or month, wherever you are. Today, my guest is Topaz Adizes and he has an interesting idea. He's asking, can curiosity heal? A question he's been pursuing for a decade, having 1200 conversations with different people to try to get to understand what it is that helps build better connection, better intimacy, better relationships.

1:26 And he's the founder of The Skin Deep. It's hugely popular on TikTok and YouTube. millions of followers, he's a big deal. He knows a thing or two about how better to get connected to those that are close to you. A powerful conversation and he says a number of things that I'm excited to share with you because I'm always blown away that after doing this show and doing the amount of work and things I've done for years now, that somebody can come on this show and say something to me and make me think about something in a way I've never thought of it before. and particular in this case, he's talking about how he sees movies or film as a form of meditation.

2:06 And I just, found that really powerful. So we're going to talk a little bit about that, but we're also going to get into a number of questions that he believes are critical to building better relationships and better connection with, folks, and really speak to something that we talk about a lot on this show, the idea of curiosity that really just being curious about things is the key to deeper, more meaningful relationships. He's going to break down how approaching conversations with genuine curiosity can create space for vulnerability and connection. And he'll speak to that, thing that we do when we're trying to win an argument or, or, know, prove ourselves right about something, how we get stuck on finding the right answer rather than trying to find better questions to get to a better answer.

2:51 This is something that keeps coming up for me more and more in my life. And it's something I need to pay more attention to is it's the idea of reframing the questions we're asking. Instead of asking yourself things like, why does everything have to be so hard? Or why do I suck at this? Or Why is this thing such a challenge in my life? Thinking about those things in a different way, where it's like, what can I learn from this experience? Who can I ask for help to get through this? What have I not tried? It just, when you change the way you ask yourself these questions about whatever you're going through, it just tends to open doors to more and better answers to lead to what we're all trying to have here, which is I think a more peaceful, more content existence.

3:32 I know one area where I get stuck on this is the idea of success, trying to figure out what it is to be a success, what it means to, you know, from the social perspective to be a success. I compare myself to others all the time, even though I know I shouldn't. I know it's stupid and I know it doesn't serve me. But you're going to hear from Topaz his own story of moving from an ego driven success to finding joy and fulfillment in creative work. And he shares how he changed his whole approach from seeking external validation to enjoying the process itself. This is something I keep telling myself to do, but apparently not asking myself the right questions to actually do it. Because I still very much rely on hearing from others.

4:13 Good job, way to go. People like you, it's okay. You don't suck at things. You're a nice person. People want to be around you. This is tough. I've spent my entire life seeking external validation and... trying to turn that lens inward and look at myself and just be proud of the work that I do for the sake of doing it to be happy that I am who I am because it's the only opportunity I've got, right? Like I'm not going to be anybody else. So I need to learn to enjoy this experience because it ain't changing. But enough about me. Let's bring in Topaz. We started the conversation. Look, this guy has talked to 1,200 different people over 10 years about this stuff that we're talking about.

4:54 And so I wanted to find out what the hell led to that. What a crazy journey to go on with an incredible experience. He's learned so much, and you're going to learn so much from this conversation. So I want to turn it over now to I asked Topaz how he got started on all this. And so here now is my conversation with Topaz Adidas. how'd I get into this good question? I think life brought me into this and what does even that mean? look my parents got divorced when I was three or four and From early on I just There was a search for intimacy and search for connection. I saw my parents who were then you know, you're a three four-year-old or gods and there was war at home. Just didn't understand why these two people that loved me so much didn't like each other so much.

5:38 What was not working? And I think that created a pain that turned into a hunger, a search for intimacy and connection. And that led me through, you know, my 20s, I studied philosophy, blah, blah, blah. took a camera, I started trying to travel and talk to people and... I realized that camera was a bridge. It was a bridge into people's worlds and it kind of opened the door so I could learn about people's lives. And I was really, think looking for intimacy and connection, just seeing where was it between people, not necessarily just for myself, but just amongst people. then became a filmmaker and did that for 15, 20 years and turned my direction of really just focusing on utilizing my skills as a filmmaker around a digital platform that explored a human connection.

6:26 This is 2014 I just saw like how we were all shifting so much due to technology But no one was really asking the question. How is the emotional experience of being human? shifting in lieu of all these technologies right And that's kind of the road I've been on for the last 11 12 years through my experiences I see the skin deep and the thing that's kind of our flagship experience or product if you will is called the and that's what won the Emmy and that's this digital format where we've been posting pretty much a conversation every week for the last More or less ten years and now in 11th year every week a conversation between two people And they're facing each other.

7:08 We give them questions and we're showing you either a bi-panel or triptych. So basically you're seeing both faces at the same time. And that gives me and my team a really unique vantage point because we've been watching humans be humans. We've been watching people in conversation. And I've learned a lot from witnessing that space. How to hold it, how to construct it, how to... learning from humans being humans. It's just amazing. So it's a long way Quick answer about how I got here That's okay. It's interesting, it seems that the curiosity was the fuel that that led you on this journey. But curiosity also turns out to be one of the answers you found in this exploration.

7:51 I mean... I found was that the power of questions and that's a cliche but It's one that we often overlook even the morning you wake up and you say shit. I have to do that today You don't realize you're answering a question The question is what shitty thing not to do that. That's shitty thing. Okay, well then change the question Amongst the day's busy schedule of all the shitty things I have to do today What's the lesson I'm learn? What's the one moment that's gonna be divine? What's the one thing that I'm really cherish even though I have to do all the shitty things Then your answer will be different you say you know what I'm gonna find this moment and what I've seen is just We're not practice at asking questions We are trained to give answers and all the power lies in the questions.

8:39 You have kids and you get bedtime Say hey kids you want to go to sleep? What's the answer? No You're asking you want to go to sleep? No, that's that's if you ask instead look kids you want to sleep on the bed or the couch? The option is not not sleeping. That's not an option because in your question you've shaped the two potential answers So what questions are you asking yourself? Your answers shape the question your answers are shaped by the question and yet all our focus is on the answer It's the wrong place to look 80 % 90 % of the energy should be in the question if you're if I'm sorry Just to finish if you are banging your head right now against something where should we live?

9:24 What should I do with my job? Should I break up? Should I tell this person that and you can't figure it out and you're kind of banging your head against the wall Stop thinking about the answer change the question. You don't have a good question create a better question Then the answer becomes obvious. That's what I've learned from this last 11 years I'm so glad we're talking about this because in my life, this has been something that keeps coming up for me in more explicit ways than I ever noticed before. One was talking to my therapist just a couple of weeks ago and dealing, because I deal with depression, less so than I used to because of the things I've done to manage it. But I was in kind of a down point and I was sort of wrestling with...

10:07 You know, he was talking about possibly experimenting with medication again, which I did not like when I did before I had bad results. And I was hung up on this question of is the world broken or am I broken? Like, which is like, why do I need to take a pill? Because I don't fit into a broken world. Like I don't think I'm the broken one. I think the world is the broken one and I can't find my place in it. And I, I, I posed that question to someone and they said, it's the wrong question. Hmm. Yeah, you're kind of broken. The world's kind of broken. But the better question is like, how am I going to find my place here? Like, how am I going to manage this? Right. Change the question and and I think been in places of my own dark depression and hard to get out it's like climbing your way out and what I find helpful is It's because I'm repeating it's banging my head against a answer that is not giving me agency.

11:03 It's not giving me a sense of not giving me answers that are providing the latter out of the pit So change the question such that you get answers that provide you the ladder out of the pit. You're in relationship, you break up or you get ghosted, what not. You ask yourself, why they dumped me? Why they ghosting me? Well, your mind is a faithful dog and it's built to protect you. And it's gonna go find all the answers it needs from any question you ask. Why'd she dump me? Why'd he dump me? Why? You know why they go see me? Okay, because this this this this whatever answers that dog that faithful dog that you have the mind of yours It's built to pretty we'll find you all the answers and how many of those answers are really gonna empower you so change the question What am I gonna learn from this relationship that I'll carry to the next?

11:56 Did I play full out in this relationship and in what ways can I play even more in the next one? What did I learn from this relationship that made me better relationships that I'll carry to the next or that I'll let go of in the next Then you get answers that aren't more empowering to give you agency you can move forward and and we don't focus enough on the questions and So how do we start to see it differently? How do we learn that skill to ask better questions? Because it is so easy to default to the, how do I stop getting smacked in the face every time I do the same thing over and over again? Yeah, I mean that's I think that's what's like in my book is I guess that's where I feel that experience that I've lived through my team and I for the last 11 years is is that is Seeing that distinction of the power of the questions in a really, you know in a very real way because I Bring people into a room together and you give them a really unique question What's the pain in me you wish you could heal and why?

12:56 know, what was the first moment you knew that I knew I loved you? A lot of our questions are scripted and generic and therefore we have the same answers to you change the questions You make them deeper people have to take a pause Jeremy. What's your favorite lie? You love telling yourself Now you're gonna pause. It's like, wait, the truth you hate telling yourself? Okay, let me look there. Why? we don't look there that often. But the question directs you in a space that you don't look at often and therefore there's a discovery of a new answer, of a new opportunity. And so we're often...

13:36 Begging our head against the same questions that have been given to us by society by our family by our friend by whatever You know that just everyone and therefore is not such interesting questions Therefore you don't get powerful interesting answers and so just by chance by doing this project for 11 years that's what I've learned because I've asked thousands of questions and I see how humans react to those questions I started understanding. wait, I can shape the answers. I can shape the opportunity I can shape the the bridge upon which people can either choose to walk in across or not By positing a question a certain way there, how do I ask this?

14:20 for someone like you, you've studied this very closely, you've watched this over and over again in the way people interact with each other. Is there a danger in sort of overthinking the question that takes you away from the vulnerability of the experience you're trying to better understand? Does that make sense? they kind of what I'm hearing from that is that's where curiosity comes in and why is curiosity important because When you walk in the context of having a conversation that explores who you are who the people in your life are cannot come to it with an agenda. You have to come to it with an intention. And that's what's important about creating the space basically at the end of the day.

15:02 How do you do this? You how do you create the space of these conversations create the space and you ask well-constructed questions We just talked about the power of questions how to well construct and we could talk about that But now you're asking well, how do you you know not overthink you're not now this is about creating the space And what's important about creating the space is that you articulate your intention and the best intention is curiosity Even if you're pissed someone did something that hurt you Stop because your first reaction is like I want to have a conversation and I want you to apologize to me So what is that? That's your agenda and agenda is the end You're going into the conversation knowing where you want to end up And how am I often does it happen? Do you like how does a partner come they say something and you know, wait a sec?

15:46 Okay Where do they want to get to you this? You're not asked even thinking about the question You're thinking about why they ask in the question. Where do they want to get to? Your partner comes home and says hey, why do you love me? You're going away. Wait, wait, wait. You're not wondering why you love them You're wondering where the hell is this coming from? What do they want to hear from me? What just happened? Where do they want to get to? They have an agenda and you therefore your mind comes out to protect you and now two minds are talking instead of hearts because the heart is built to connect So, how do you bring how do you invite the heart out? Intention hey, this is where I'm starting from Something happened in early.

16:27 Why did this happen? I'm curious. Where did this come from? I don't know where we're get to Therefore it's an invitation for your heart to step out my heart to find out what's there. So when you say overthink it's like Overthinking because then you're thinking about a question because you want to get to a certain place. You can only start from where you are That's how you can come with an intention to create a space of exploration right And like the thing about why do you love me like we sell these card games, right? We got 15 editions of different card games and different things if your partner comes home and says hey Jeremy, I Got a box of questions. It's a game called and choose a question and you randomly choose a question and says why do you love me? Now you're both not wondering why the other person asked it you know why because you're playing a random game and one of questions why do you love me and now the space has been created for one of you to give and arguably more importantly for one of you to receive.

17:22 Because if your partner come, yeah. So I'm curious in that scenario where the person comes home with the, do you love me? Or, hey, we need to talk or whatever thing sets you up on the defensive. It's usually coming from some place of anger, some place of deep emotion. Yeah, so. Is it simply a matter of being intentional about that conversation and waiting until you've sort of calmed down, have the right questions in mind? How do you separate from the, I'm pissed and I want the apology and I want things different now to get to that place where you are really connecting at the heart and not at the head. Yeah, so. Well, how do you pop what's that mean pause breathe?

18:05 down Good advice when things get crazier and crazier whether internally because your emotions are going or around you The crazier get the faster it gets inside you or around you the slower you should move should inverse effect like slow down So breathing helps right just take a breath feel that breath run through you like Okay, cool You're feeling the emotion, anger, disappointment, shame, you got triggered. more you can slow down and breathe, that helps you with the pause. Feel your way into it and search for the curiosity. Why am I feeling so angry? is just triggering me? Where's that coming from? What why did they just do that?

18:47 Like I know we're in a relationship This is my best friend. It's my brother. This is my my wife is my partner husband My partner work I'm in the same page and yet this hurtful thing happened. This disappointment happened Why like before you because the first instinct is And you want to kind of get it take a thing of why and that that can bring you to a point of ask the question from the why Ask the point of the curiosity You know feel that curiosity because here's the thing if you go to the person and look I'm talking about conversations that explore your relationship Sometimes you need to know the fact sometimes you need to know what this is That's not what I'm talking about here time about those deep conversations that make your relationships more fulfilling more resilient more profound Because you're exploring what you don't offer and explore not the obvious you're going deeper so from there you got to come from the place of wine like creating this space for them to step into Versus trying to get off of the wall that you've pinned them against because you're accusing them It's much easier to shake a hand that's open then with a finger pointing at you So the curiosity is a natural way to tap into that So you need to pause and go wait Okay, why am I feeling that way?

20:04 Now really if this is really where I'm a ratio this person Why would they do that? Like and then sincerely asking that question coming from the place curiosity that already changes the environment such that they can step in with their heart versus protecting themselves with the brain and Then you have to say like how do you construct that question? So here's how you can here's a takeaway tool Okay, if you want to know here's a very here's takeaway tool take home right here two words to any question and you're already D at deactivating the potential bomb that could be there. Okay You either say you add the words.

20:44 Do you think or do you feel? do you think why do you feel our relationship failed? do you think we just had a conflict? Okay, that makes it your subjective truth if I say hey Jeremy, why did our relationship fail? See that question puts you in the place of objective Arbitr of truth. Why did our relationship fail? do you think this didn't work out? no. Sorry. Why didn't this work out? So you're gonna answer is like that's the truth and I'm like, no, no, that's not what happened But if I just say why do you think why do you feel I can't argue with that? I can't argue with you with that with you. That's your opinion. That's your experience I think, the conversation for you to see their perspective and mirror it against yours and go, that's where the disconnect is.

21:34 So just when you ask question just add the words do you think or do you feel and that already makes it subjective and that's less an argument about what the objective truth is and more about what your experience is and then your space is already invitation for me to hear your space and for you to Spent step for you need to hear your point of view and for you to step into the space of sharing your point of view Now I want to ask you about the curiosity of the feeling. like, why am I angry about this? Like what about being curious about the actual feeling itself? Because often under anger is fear. Like I'm afraid of a possible outcome. It's coming out as fear. not a therapist. I don't know where shame comes up to guilt fear Look, I don't know what the answer is there.

22:21 I know it's a good question and a good perspective on it is that those emotions are wonderful fodder or better said fertilizer for growth where there's a lot of, it's like, cool. There's a lot to explore there. There's a lot of energy there. Now the question is, what do do with that energy? Do I let it rip me down or do I take the time to utilize it so I can utilize it in a constructive manner to build me up into the next version of myself? sometimes how does that show up? In a very external example, sometimes I have to go have a conversation with someone I don't want to have.

23:02 want do it but I know that hesitancy or the my consternation of having that conversation is inversely affected by the payoff that's going to come out of that conversation whenever I feel that hesitation or that like I know that like actually I'm gonna go do that Why because I'm come out the other side with a surprise a great deal of growth or learning a better understanding I'm gonna step through that door Because the more the more that I feel resistant to it. There's a greater lesson behind that and so the Holiday, the obstacle is the way, am I right?

23:43 my god, so you feel so in that sense when you feel a deep emotion, that's what the pause is So important and the breath is to drop into it. Why because there's so much stuff to explore there explore it because that's the that's that's the path to more growth What has all of this work that you've done really studying human connection, how has it changed you? Like who were you when you started on this journey and who are you now? good question. mean, I mean, I don't know if it's the work or not, but one thing that has changed is I'm not, I do the same work, but I'm not driven by the same motivation. I used to be driven by a lack of self-esteem and a desire to prove myself to my father and the standards he set, which was basically genius or nothing.

24:31 And it was for me. I was ego-driven because I needed the claps and you know the first two times I went to Sundance I had two short I had three short films at Sundance the first two times I went there were back-to-back years the screening the only question I was wondering is do they think I'm a genius? Because that was what I was like That was a question that I've been set by my father. That was a standard Do they think I'm a genius? Do they think I'm a genius? My God, can you, that's exhausting. That's an exhausting question. It's like puts the judgment, my judgment and my own value on other people and it's a high standard. Years later, I went back with third short film.

25:12 It was The Ann Marcel and Rock from The Ann. And man, I enjoy that festival at Sundance so much more because I was not asking myself, am I a genius? I was asking myself. Are they enjoying this as much as I am? That's awesome. I was enjoying it. was like, they in if they're not fine, but I could this is amazing and that's a much better question to ask It's much more joyful right It's so hard when you are a creator of some kind to walk that line between what are they going to like and how much am I doing this for the joy and the satisfaction of creation. we can all do, there's a million podcasts and most of them suck, right?

25:53 But it's people out there that live in their best lives, talking about stuff they're super interested in and their mom and their brother listen to it and they're great. And there's people out there that are doing the algorithm, they're playing it right, they're asking the right questions so that the audience will love it and they're Right. doing pretty well for themselves. Like that's a tough line to walk as a creator. could be doing the exact same thing Externally, you can be making the exact same podcast. You'll be making exactly the same job You can be doing exactly same films or what it writings whatever it is. You're doing the exact same thing But where you're coming from? The intention and the criteria you set for yourself can be totally different and that could be the difference between you being exhausted and unhappy or fulfilled and ecstatic And when I went from being do they think I'm a genius to are they enjoying this as much as I am you could see like What's I'm still doing the same thing?

26:44 I'm still making films But where I'm coming from and how I'm evaluating what's happening is set against a different question And that second question sets me up for more happiness and joy even if they're like they don't enjoy it as much as I because I'm having a great time Okay that's been a big shift for me. It's definitely is where what question I asked I mean even the shift from starting this project Before that I was a filmmaker for 15 20 years. I was making film So the question I was asking myself is you know, how do I get my next movie made? You know in my You know, I saw basically cinemas modern-day popular culture meditation because you get people into a theater sit down They're focused.

27:31 They're not moving. The breathing pattern is consistent. They're watching a screen for 90 minutes meditation Right modern-day pop and I was like that's super cool but then I asked myself a question I had a short film that went to can and I put up on Vimeo by accident without a password and it got picked up as short of the week and in a week had like half a million views So that was like wait, what game am I playing? I asked myself what game am I My play the game of this popular culture meditation like, know popular culture meditation by making cinema am I playing the game of injecting ideas into the mainstream?

28:13 That's a really interesting game to play well, I'm playing a game injecting ideas in mainstream Why don't I go digital? Because look how many people watch my film in one week how much time money and energy would have that taken me and the other Model of making a film in a theater Wait, this is a much more interesting game to play. Let me go play that game So right now if you're listening, what game are you playing? I don't care what job you have. I don't what is how are you naming what you are? doing. I would argue that many of them are naming it as, this is the thing I have to do to pay the rent, to feed my kids, to put gas in the tank.

28:55 And it's a miserable existence. It's the thing I have to do. Where we started. What shitty thing do I have to do today to make today a success? that's just a horrible question, right? What should you think that you do today? you're even if you have the best day on the planet You're like central pay on a vacation. I don't know what if you're asking your brain What should he do to have to do today there? Your brain is a faithful dog. It will find you that shitty thing and that's what you're focusing on Yeah, exactly exactly Exactly exactly and I just think we're not trained on how to ask questions what I've learned, you know and and yeah week a lot on relationships.

29:39 How have your relationships changed because of this different approach to asking questions? When I started this I was single and I'm now married with two children I definitely think Look witnessing all these and it's not just romantic. It's grandparents with their grandchildren as best friends and siblings, right? watch over 1200 conversations, pairs in conversation, all kinds of relationships. And a lot of them come back year after year after year. So not only do we have like a breadth of relationships, but we have depth too, because you can track people over time. As they become parents, as they change, know.

30:20 you watch these conversations and you can't stop but seeing yourself in them because you're wondering, ooh. Do I listen to my partner like that person listens to their partner? Do I mansplain to my wife like that person's mansplaining to their partner? I really listening? Am I really taking this other person in like that person is? Am I totally oblivious my partner like that person is? want and then that gives a reflection other people's Life experiences other people's moments of vulnerability and courage or courage in vulnerability of sharing a bit of themselves In front of us that you can all see on YouTube, but I'm seeing like in person in the studio It's the same thing when you watch it in the conversation like you see a reflection of yourself and what you have and have not and could be or could not be And that really gives you an opportunity to change and grow in your own relationships because yeah you seen people struggle to be vulnerable?

31:22 I've been in a similar situation where I shot a pilot for an HBO show. was like a group therapy situation. And somehow, magically, the cameras disappeared when we were there. We were in the moment, open, raw, emotional. Is it hard to get people to... Because it's hard for people to open up without cameras, but put a camera on their face and all of sudden shields up, right? Has that been a struggle for you at all? Look, that's like that's that's like that's it would be if we had an agenda of Every time we do an ant session. We want them to behave a certain way and cry It's not our intention is create the space for humans to be humans and this is their experience Because let us not forget two things a there's many ways to be vulnerable But vulnerable for you might be different for me You want me to cry and open up time?

32:10 Maybe that's not vulnerable for me Maybe vulnerable for me is something else So we all have our different shades and forms of vulnerability and the other thing that's worth noting that we don't often pay attention to the fact that Oftentimes when you think of vulnerability you think of the one who's sharing who's telling their life experience or sharing something There's also vulnerability in the listener You're with your partner you ask your partner a question They go say vulnerable and sharing experience, but that experience is a reflection of you or of your relationship There's vulnerability in you listening taking it in acknowledge that too. It'll be no why can't you open up?

32:53 Why can't you share what's going on inside? Right? And so are the others, are we all holding space for each other to be vulnerable by being vulnerable ourselves? we when we do an and we don't we don't had one time One of my you know, don't direct them all I have incredible people who also direct that we train and they go direct ands and it's incredible one time Whatever directors calling me up. She's a topaz. It's not working. They're not crying. They're not crying It's like they're not really going there said it's not working because you think it should go a certain way. It is what it is And it's beautiful because there's something to learn from every conversation We don't all behave the same way and think about it where where in life.

33:33 Do you really get to see? the intimate conversations of others your family maybe that's it. Maybe a certain friend group. That's it Now with this kiddie, we have a library the form of the end of over 1200 conversations of raw honest vulnerable conversations in many shapes and forms For you to see on youtube that's going to inform Perspective relationships you have your own life, you know, if I if I gave you Jeremy, I'm like Jeremy man relationships are crazy They're just so full of jealousy. There's just jealousy everywhere. It's just there jealousies every relationship be like topaz That's cuz you're 50 % of all the relationships you're in and maybe you bring the jealousy cuz check out this car Yeah is a huge thing.

34:18 So many people bring, I do it with my daughter, my first daughter. I see so much of myself in her and I assume whatever she's going through. I know exactly what she's going through because she's so much like me and I'll try and dig under the surface. Like, you know, it's, it's okay if this hurts. And she just looks at me like, but, but it doesn't like leave me alone. And it's crazy. Cause I'm like, how does that, if I were you, I would be devastated, but like putting on the stoic face of like, no, everything's cool. And so then I even doubt her when she's like, no, I'm totally cool with this. It's fine. But because I believe that I would handle it differently and I see so much of myself in her, I project all my shit on her. It's ridiculous. Yeah. you realize that? How long, how? mean, she's 13, so she has matured a lot in the last few years.

35:04 But I mean, the minute I saw her, I literally, when I picked her up for the first time and looked at her face, I was looking in a mirror. And it took a few years to figure out, OK, we not only look alike, but there's a lot of similar. We're both highly sensitive people. We both feel things very deeply. And then she got quiet. And I know for me, when I got quiet, that's when I started to shut down. And so I projected onto her shutting down, but I got quiet because my parents split up and there was alcoholism and there was all these problems in the family. She has a stable family with, you know, mom and dad that are very much in love and very happy. Like it's a totally different experience that she has, but I'm coming at it from the perspective of, there's so much pain there that you're just not showing me.

35:44 And really she's like, no, I'm fine. Cause I'm stable and secure. So here's what's beautiful about humans are tailored made reflections for each other reflect our own projections on others Which can be right or wrong, you know could not be reality, but we're projecting but They can be reflections for you. So you have a crater projection of yourself are Taylor. So what are you reflecting to your wife? What is she reflecting to you? How do we face our others and what do we share with them so that they can see themselves better? will never ever be able to see yourself Jeremy I mean in the mirror, but you'll never ever have the experience Unless you're having out-of-body experience on some psychedelic or near-death experience, right?

36:30 Which would be awesome. But besides that Besides that you're never gonna see yourself The mirror is the mirror that itself is not this but everyone around you while they can't see themselves they see you The closest way you can see you through their eyes is by having Certain moments with them Now it could be doesn't have to be physical. It could be like in silence, but conversation is a gift we humans have So how do we use it? do we tap into that create the space ask well-constructed questions? my book it's in my book But like but no no we don't have to but just like that's what I've you know, started this young like I've done 80 podcast and When I started like why am I doing so many I'm doing so many because I'm learning more in the conversation the podcast About the value of what I take for granted and I find obvious that isn't And I should share that that's like one thing I've learned in the last year So how I change is that like for most of my life?

37:33 I what I found obvious. I was like, it's obvious. Why am I talking about it? I'm the ass. I'm the narcissist who's gonna be talking about the obvious. What a schmuck So I just kept quiet Now at the age of 48. I'm realizing that actually what I find obvious is not necessary what other people find obvious and that's where my value is So share it Yeah, it's crazy. was just talking about this on another show about how for most people, the big stuff, they have to hear it like 50 times before it sinks in and they own it and make a change in their life. And so it's been the same for me. I've been talking about this stuff for seven years or whatever.

38:14 try learning it and practicing it for years before that. And there are times when I'm like, Got have another conversation about, you know, sleep better, eat better, move your body, like do stuff to take care of yourself and wow, your mental health will improve. And it just feels like, my God, how many times have I said this? But I know for me, when I heard it in the way that sunk in, I'm sure that person had said it a thousand times, but I needed to hear it that day in that way for it to matter to me. And it is, it's crazy. Even I was having conversations in the last week with people that like things that seemed obvious, that I just figured everyone knew and ignored was brand new information to them. And it's mind blowing how much the things that you experience are and become kind of an expert in, other people know nothing about.

38:58 you're right, that's where your value comes in. So how do you offer more of yourself? How do you offer more of yourself? Yeah. Let me write that down. do we where do we buy the book and the card game and see the videos and all this stuff? Where do we go? although the skin deep just look up the skin deep on any social YouTube tick tock and Instagram's or primarily at the skin deep and then you know The book is available and the games are available everywhere in any Amazon and then the skin deep calm the skin deep calm It's where you can find all our products and all that experiences digital products and books and blah blah Awesome.

39:39 Well, we'll get the link to that in the description for this episode as well. Topaz, thanks so much for your time today, man. I really appreciate it. You've really, you've helped me reframe some things about my own life that, and that's part of why love doing this is that occasionally somebody will say something and I'm like, I never saw that. So thank you for that. Thank you, man. Thank you so much. Thanks Jeremy Cool guy, right? Topaz Adidas, founder of the Skin Deep. You can follow them on TikTok and YouTube and all the places. The links for all of that are in the show description for this episode on whatever you're using to listen to this episode. And whatever you're using to listen to this episode, I hope that you will use it to share this with somebody who could benefit from hearing it or from someone who you think just might enjoy this conversation.

40:20 if you haven't already, please do subscribe to the show so you don't miss any upcoming episodes. Speaking of upcoming episodes, we'll have more for you at thefitmass.com. We'll be back there with a new episode very soon. Thanks so much for listening.